Clouds

Early yesterday morning, I found out my dad had a seizure. I was surprised and felt really bad for him. I reacted in my seemingly new "normal" reactions and said....."Breyne my dad had a seizure, lets go out to breakfast." Sad, I know. I call that "new" because over the last year or two, instead of instantly reacting, I don't feel it at all until later, which is rare and scary for me. So we went out to breakfast and it was a nice one, we played with girls, joked, you never would have guessed I got that call and I hadn't thought about it since.
Then we got home and I quickly asked a friend to watch our girls and starting making a pile of all this sewing stuff I was going to take with me because I was going to sew. I don't know what but I am going to sew and Breyne is watching me pack all my stuff up and I'm telling him, I need my needles I can't find them and he's going along. Sweet, sweet man. So we get in the car and my heart is racing and I am saying to myself, what is happening, you don't even know yourself any more when it comes to your dad. Im asking myself, what was all that gathering of sewing supplies stuff about? I then put on my big dark sunglasses and say to myself........now figure out a quite way to have a melt down because you need to have one. I'm in the passengers seat and Im biting my finger and I'm crying.
As I look up into the sky, I see bright white clouds and I remind myself how I always found things in the clouds when I was a kid, so I start looking again. I see a crocodile and the little girl in me hears my dad say "After A While Crocodile". He used to tell me that every morning when he dropped me off at school. Then the crocodile turns into a dragon spitting firing and blows away and that made me cry more, watching the cloud blow away.
The entire time, Breyne is trying to hold my hand, look at me, drive and be calm himself.
When we got there, my dad looked ok, his emotions were high and he was very scared. My dad cried a lot and said he's afraid to die. He looks like a young child in desperate need for reassurance. Its very hard for me to understand why he is so worried. I would think his fight and torture of his illness would make him want to give up, but it never has. Maybe thats what the dragon spitting fire was telling me?
Since my dad moved, I don't visit him often enough. It's really hard for me to see him. I wish it wasn't but it is. I am working on it and I am aware. I feel terrible about it and I understand it to. He is stable for now and I'm working on not trying to keep my experiences with this so bottled up. The beauty of blogging...........