My Dad

It's 1:42 a.m. and my nerves are shot. I got a call early yesterday morning saying that my dad had a stroke. I was very confused as to what to do with my girls that day. I selfishly wanted to take Ava to keep her close to me but realized I should keep her day normal until I knew more. I ended up taking Ava to school. Ruby and I went to join my parents and brother at St. Jude hospital in Fullerton. The doctor confirmed he did indeed have a stroke and that his cardiac enzymes were rising so a heart attack was on the way. Something odd came over me. I had a terrible stomachache and headache but I was unable to cry. I wanted to cry more than anything. I wanted comfort and to feel better but my fear froze my emotions. My Dad did end up having a major heart attack and survived. After several procedures, one including them going up his leg and placing 4 stints, he survived. He also survived in good spirits and was cracking jokes by the end of the day. It was a blessing. He said he was scared but felt so much better.
Ava stayed with Diane. I'm a wreck without her. I know she is so much better off but I want her more than anything right now. My nerves are still a wreck. I've been able to cry but not nearly enough. I want to vomit to ease my pain. I can't stop thinking about all I almost lost and most importantly it reminded me of something, I have said that my dad wasn't "emotional". My dad wasn't emotional because he didn't know how to be. Not because he was a bad person. His Mom died when he was four. He was the youngest of five brothers. His father was an alcoholic. My dad says very little of his childhood because it wasn't pleasant. I know my dad was rarely supported and was abused. My dad always supported us and never abused us. He just didn't really know how to talk to girls and he had three of them. Two girly girls and one tom boy. Yes, he was the closest to the tom boy. I was very sensitive and extremely girly. He loved me but there were a lot of misunderstandings. As a woman, I look back on those times, times when I remember reaching out to him and asking him to know me better and him truly looking confused. He tried so hard and even though he didn't know my favorite colors or the things that were important to me at those times, he did love me, very much. He loved me so much, he put me in sports and coached me. It was an attempt to reach me. He would swing with me and miss but he did try.
My Dad, he reaches Ava..........she decided to call him Papa as a baby. He was touched. He called his dad "Pop" so to be called Papa made him feel proud. My Dad has always been sick since Ava has been here. She has always been empathetic and in tune with him. She has often drawn marks on her arm where his dialysis shunt is and states "Im like papa". My dad falls a lot. Lately when Ava falls or stumbles she says "Im acting like papa". Ava has a wonderland here at my parents. She spreads all her toys about but when she hears her papa coming, she runs and clears the way so he doesn't trip. My dad can't see well and he has very low energy. Ava likes to nap with him and hold his hand to help him get from one area to the next. Tonight, I am lost with out her. I know that I have done with right thing for her. She is having a blast and is with the best, I just need her so much right now. I want to hold her and squeeze her.
My dad didn't have an easy time emotionally connecting with me and my sister but he connected with Ava's soul long before she arrived.
I woke up an hour ago, finally crying and needing to vomit. I thought typing out my feelings would help and it has. I feel so much better......